Reshuffling the Hand We're Dealt

There's someone in my life that I care very much about who has been perpertually miserable for quite some time now. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call her "Daisy." 

Granted, Daisy hasn't had the easiest of lives, she certainly doesn't have the worst life possible- not even close. She may beg to differ as she's been so immersed in her own negative energy for so long that the half-filled portion of her glass may as well be invisible to her. She believes that the only way her life will be better is if the people and situations that surround her change. 

See the problem? 

It's what I always say: Change your perspective, change your experience, change your life. 

There's only so long we should be allowed to indulge ourselves in self-pity. We can keep our faces long and cry about the cards we've been dealt, but after a while that song gets old and tired. After a certain amount of time, it becomes a matter of personal responsibility to take the situation in our own hands and reshuffle the deck, instead of perpetually staring at the crappy hand. 

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind...

"...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference..."

There are things we have no control over and sometimes that's unfortunate. Daisy can't change the fact that her family members deal with addiction. She can't magically double her income to alleviate her financial woes. She can't take away her parents' pains associated with old age. 

But, she can change her attitude. She can change how she sees things. She can shift her focus on to what she does have to be grateful for, like a home, a steady job that challenges her ample abilities and family that loves her regardless of her grumpiness, instead of honing in on what's not so perfect. She can stop scoffing at me when I suggest she try these things and realize there is no harm in trying something new that would only do her a world of good. 

Today is actually Daisy's birthday. I gave her a hug, wishing her a good day, and she coldly responded to my open arms with what could hardly pass as a hug. She said, "thanks," as if we were passing strangers. 

Later in the day, I got a call from Daisy's family member ooking for gift suggestions, asking if I knew of anything Daisy needed. 

And all I could think of was...

A smile. 

What Magazine Headlines are Really Saying

Statistics show that magazine covers highlighting weight loss articles or features like "best and worst bodies" sell more copies. Although men aren't exempt, female targeted magazines are littered with these your-body-isn't-good-enough messages and we, as women, snatch them off the shelves with the hopes that this issue holds the magical answer to the ever-elusive body-happiness we are constantly in search for. 

We thumb through the pages, read the article, see the same diets of weighed and measured out bits of boring foods, see pictures of smiling women who have found bliss after losing such and such amount of weight and wonder what the heck is wrong with us that after one week, the scale hasn't budged, much less shown a decrease of 20 pounds. 

It won't be our smiling faces in those perfectly sculpted "after" pictures. Nope. We're perpetually stuck in the "before" frame. But, clearly, we're at fault here. 

I call shenanigans!

How can we possibly begin to start feeling good about ourselves as long as the media tells us we are in need of change in order to be whole? 

It's unfortunate that because of the numbers, the sales driven media will continue to plaster their glossy pages with the same negatively charged message hidden as secrets to happiness over and over. After all, they are businesses and need to give their readers what they want. 

Unfortunately, "Lose 20lbs By Friday" sells more copies than "Don't Change, You're Perfect." 

Yes, I'm a nutrition counselor and a personal trainer. Yes, I am in the industry of reshaping bodies and a great deal of my clients have weight loss in the forefront of their minds. 

But, I always start with reshaping the mind. 

Only when the mind is healed, the negative self-talk stops, and external messages are filtered out can real change begin. Otherwise, any attempted work is superficial, literally and figuratively, and it won't last. 

In my practice, I always preach self-love and self-acceptance. 

Because we are all whole, complete and perfect, just as we are. 

And no amount of weight gained or lost will ever change that. 

Disarming Negative Emotions

When I coach clients, I teach them not to fear cravings because they are signals from the body.

Emotions are messages coming either internally from our bodies or externally from our lives. They arise for us to experience, assess and decode them, if we so choose to. Otherwise, they come and go, at times bringing us on a roller coaster of ups and downs. 

Uncomfortable emotions are the scariest to deal with. To fear or try suppress them is to give them power. If we take the time to understand these emotions, we can disarm them of any power they have taken on and actually come out with a valuable bit of insight. 

It's like finding the diamond hidden under the coal- we just need to chip away at the dark exterior. 

For example...

Jealousy, commonly perceived as a negative emotion, is wrought with insecurity, anxiety and fear. Seeing someone happier than yourself, a colleague being promoted to a higher-paying position, a significant other talking highly about someone other than yourself... All these things spur an ugly, uncomfortable feeling of wanting what someone else has. 

But is it a bad thing?

Let's find the diamond underneath. 

Jealousy is an indicator of a deep desire we have for something that will potential make us happy. 

So, you're thinking, "Well, that was kind of obvious. But, I still want something I don't have." 

Here's the beauty in it though- now that you know there is something that you want, you can start taking steps towards having it, yourself. 

Jealous of your coworker's promotion? Ask yourself- what is it that is making you feel this way? Do you feel like you want to move up at work? Do you envy your peer's drive to reach higher levels? Or is it the recognition that comes along with the promotion that you want for yourself?

Regardless of what is really going on underneath the surface, figuring out the answer to the question "what is it that I am really jealous of?" will guide you towards the steps you must take towards being happier and more satisfied with what you have and where you are. 

Then there's the whole issue of being content with exactly what you have. But, that's for another day. 

The message here is that a positive spin can even be placed on perceived negative emotions.

As long as happiness and positivity are always the main focal point, there is always a way to find meaning, purpose and a reason to smile in anything. 

Even when you're green with envy.

Seeing Past the Red

Back and forth, my mom and I volleyed words of anger. Her face turned red as she yelled and it was difficult for me to get one word in, edgewise. 

I avoid confrontation; I'm a lover, not a fighter, every day, any day, in the majority of situations. I prefer talking about a situation in a rational manner and responding instead of reacting. 

But, sometimes, fights happen. 

And they suck. 

Especially when they are with family and others that are close to us. 

But, that's who we usually end up fighting with. 

I'd like to believe that most people choose their battles, opting only to engage when the fight is worthwhile. Usually this takes a certain amount of care and consideration. Otherwise, why bother? 

That's the beautiful thing about most family fights- on most occasions, what lies beneath the yelling, the blaming, the tears... under all that ugly negative energy... is love. 

Whenever I can momentarily pull myself away from a fight and gain some perspective on the situation, I can usually find an empathetic understanding for my opponent's stance. In just about every case of Mom versus me, the reason for her anger stems from some mutation of her want for the best for me. 

Our differing views of what constitutes life satisfaction and happiness often creates conflict. I fight for acceptance of my views and she fights for me to adapt hers. (Ironic, the amount of negative energy coming from the common goal of happiness). The important factor to highlight here, though, is that my well being is important enough to her to be fought for. 

How could I be mad at that? 

In the heat of an argument, it's difficult to even attempt to find a positive angle to the negative situation. We see red, in anger, and it blinds us to the whole picture as our focus can concentrate on nothing else. 

Step back 

...

Create distance

...

Breath

...

Reassess

... 

Find the love- it's hidden under all that negativity... somewhere. 

Feeling Fat?

How are you feeling? 

"I feel angry."

"I feel sad." 

"I feel happy." 

"I feel scared"

... All valid answers to the question at hand.

"I feel fat."

...Not so much. 

FAT IS NOT A FEELING. 

Feelings describe our state of emotion, not our state of appearance, and even if they did, I'd reason to say that bodily mass surely didn't develop overnight to suddenly create exacerbated sense of "fatness." 

It makes just as much sense to say "I feel fat" as it does to say "I feel purple." 

There's something more being said in this "feeling fat" statement- a lowered sense of self-esteem, a heightened self-consciousnesses, a harsher self-judgment... "feeling fat" definitely has an all around negative connotation. 

My main concern when I hear this statement, however, is not the identifying of oneself with this negative feeling, but more so identifying of oneself by a physical attribute (or perception of one). 

We are more than out appearance. 

Who we are is a compilation of our talents and hobbies, our likes and dislikes, the impact we make on others and the world- the way we look is, by definition, a superficial way to identify ourselves. 

Looks are fleeting; so much so that they can be changed through diet and exercise, plastic surgery and makeup. 

Personality and who we are at our core is everlasting. 

No amount of lipstick or designer clothing can beautify a bad attitude. 

Similarly, no amount of extra body weight or bad hair days can keep a bright, positive disposition from shining through. 

The next time we hear ourselves say we feel fat, let's dig deeper and find out what's really going on... What are we missing? What message are we really trying to get across? 

When I hear "I feel fat," accompanied by sad eyes and a wounded whimper, I know what I'm really hearing is more akin to, "I am feeling down on myself and could really use a hug." 

Of course, there are days when "feeling fat" can be accredited to overdoing sugar and salt intake the day before and the body physically retains more water... but, that's what elastic waist pants and flowy tops were made for. 

Simple Pleasures

I smiled as I slipped on a new pair of cotton, moisture wicking, cushioned soled socks; they felt like clean, silky clouds, hugging my feet, putting a bouncy freshness to my step. I grasped the moment and held on to it as long as I could, forgetting about the day’s annoyances, the difficult situations I had been in and the stressful decisions I had to make. All negativity dissolved as I was completely in the moment, basking in the simple pleasure of a brand new pair of socks.

Stress, sadness, anger, difficulty… these are part of what it means to be human. After all, the wonderful moments would not seem as great without the comparisons. The hope is that life is lived primarily happily with the occasional negative moment. There are some days, however, in which the bad seems to overshadow the majority of the 24 hours, sucking smiles and crushing laughter. It is these days that the smallest of joys must be captured, hung on to and fully experienced. Even on the hardest of days, life always offers simple pleasures that are easier to find when not searched for- it is then left to choice whether to acknowledge or breeze by them.

I’m not talking about moments of grandeur; I’m not alluding to the joy of a winning lottery ticket. Think small, every day happenings-

Kicking off shoes at the end of a long day or tough work out.

The instant relaxation from fresh bed sheets and the cool side of the pillow.

Catching a refreshing blast of air from an oscillating fan in a stuffy room.

The first sip of ice cold water, quenching a thirst that had been building for hours.

Relief for an overly hydrated bladder from getting to use the bathroom.

Happiness comes in many forms. At just about any given moment, no matter how terrible the situation, there is always a positive spin that can be spun. The brain appreciates when a smile is worn, treating it as an instant upper. There are little things in life that have the potential to be the big things that create happiness, if even just for a moment. Yes, tragedy, tears and aggravation all come along with what it means to be an emotion-feeling human, but with that same ability, happiness, joy and elation are also there for the taking. We should all try to exaggerate the positive moments, no matter how menial they may seem, so much so that the overshadowing gloom of negativity pales away from their brightness!