To be Safe... and Heard

Feeling protected from danger or harm is something important in life- otherwise, we'd live our lives in constant fear of being robbed or injured at any waking moment.

It's a known fact: "Safety" is a necessity for happy living. 

But, knowing we are safe from physical danger, though important, is not enough. What we also need, that is highly overlooked and under-appreciated, is a safe space to just... talk. 

No, I don't mean finding some secret hideaway on a private island where you share deep dark secrets with a friend at (although, that would be pretty cool!). 

I'm talking about having someone in our lives that we feel we can talk to openly, candidly, honestly and freely without being judged. 

It may sound silly. Everyone has friends and family, right? 

It is possible to have several friends, many acquaintances and a huge family... but, not feel safe enough to open up to any of them. Chalk it up to a personal inability to trust another person or being shot down before when we did allow ourselves to be vulnerable, sometimes we can have so many people in our lives.... but, still feel lonely. 

So, what happens when these things we want to talk about... insecurities, personal problems, conflicting thoughts... have no outlet from our minds?

They build up. And they grow. And they fester. And the negative energy recycles through the body. And they seep outwards as negativity and stress. And then, eventually, you crack under the built up pressure and you find yourself depressed, angry, and on a psychiatrist's couch, walking out with a new prescription for a pill that's supposed to fix it all. 

Many times we find ourselves afraid that the response to our words will leave us ridiculed, lectured, punished... anything but heard, which is all we really need in the first place. 

I'm going to cut myself short here, because I could go on for a while on this subject because it's something I'm passionate about, which is why I incorporate in to my health coaching practice in a big way. 

Bottom line, here, is that some people have a close group of friends that they feel safe talking to. Others have just one or two. Some are fortunate enough to even have these people as family members! To those that do have these people in your lives, I hope you understand how valuable they are. 

Benefit of the Doubt

As I held a door open for a lady, she whizzed by as if the door were automatic, paying no mind to the fact that I was just another customer like her. As a knee jerk response, I felt the need to curse her rudeness and edged on sarcastically shouting “you’re welcome!” at her back, but what good would that do? Would that really satisfy me?

Every person has a back story. Every moment is preceded by a series of other moments before it. All I knew of that woman was in that solitary moment that she breezed by me with nary a thank-you nod- it was my choice to take it personally or not.

Always one to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I took a moment to pull back my defense mechanisms, take a breath, and realize she meant absolutely no personal harm towards me. Who knows what had been on her mind? Who knows where she was rushing to or where her focus was? What I do know is that she, just like I, is human with emotions and busy-ness in her life.

I’m certain that at one point during a particularly stressful day, I quite possibly could have offended someone or accidentally neglected to use my manners. Unfortunately, to whomever the victims of my acts of accidental unkindness, those may have been the only impressions of me they will ever receive. All I can do is hope they give me the same benefit of the doubt and realize it was not at all intentional and that, had I taken a moment to pay more attention, I would have absolutely chosen to act more respectfully.

This is a lesson slowly started to form over the years working in the food service industry. Anyone that has every waited tables, served beverages, rung up orders or the like has a story of a guests’ rudeness or a personal encounter with a customer’s projection of negativity. I admit that it was definitely difficult to continuously award the benefit of the doubt when I seemingly had to bite my tongue on a daily basis, but now that I have strengthened my patience-muscle, I am able to step back, exhale and think instead of react.

Everyone has a bad day. Even I, someone with a perma-smile and a continuous laugh, have my moments. I try never to step on toes or offend, but I’m sure it has and will happen unconsciously. In keeping with the old adage, I give kindness and compassion unto others as I would hope they would give unto me. After all, life is more beautiful if we can see people as innately good-intentioned with the occasional off-day.

Everybody Poops!

Clothing labels, the number of zeros on a paycheck, type of car, the amount of square footage of property- none of these things define who someone really is. Strip away all the glitz, the objective possessions, the social notoriety and to a certain degree, we are all the same. Our basic needs of food, water, oxygen and rest are all consistent across the board, as long as the genus is human. On a contemplative hike with a girlfriend on today’s beautiful morning, we both agreed that the core equality amongst all people can be summarized in the most simplistic, toddler-level statement thateverybody poops.

With all that is available in the world to class up or trash down a person’s image, a hierarchical ladder of social status is created, entitling one person to be deemed as more superior than another. On such a superficial scale, judgments are passed on people, making them sub/super human based on the goodness of what they own, rather than the goodness of their souls. When taken down to the basic degree, the glamorously famed Jennifer Lopez is no different than non-celebrity-status, simplistic ol’ me!

My point in this realization is to vow to never let anyone make me feel sub-par to them. I’ve reached a point where I am tired of defending my non-partying ways, the enjoyment I get from a Saturday night spent quietly indoors with a good movie or novel, the need for a full eight hours of sleep resulting in a before-midnight bedtime (whether it be a weekday or not), etc… I am tired of the judgment for not being the typical twenty-something year old girl that stays out late on the weekends and frequents bars or house parties. I am done allowing people to make me feel I am not acting the way I should be- as if there were an officiated social-life timeline I was veering from.

The matter of letting go of the innateneedto be accepted by others is surpassed by theactual needto fully accept myself. I have absolutely no say in how others perceive me, but I do control how I perceive my situation. My peace will not come from trying to prove that the collective “they” are no better than I. My peace will come when I realize that I am no less a person than the collective “them.” Although seemingly the same statement, the latterputs me in the driver seat(not the greatest analogy, given the roughed up state of my car).

My energy would be wasted if I tried to preach such a mature theory of the universal human need of waste elimination, but I can change my thought energy by fully understanding it for myself. So, the next time I find my automatic self-defending response to “Why don’t you just have one drink?” or “What are you doing home on a Friday night?” I will not allow that person to make me feel like I have to prove my legitimacy as a 24 year old single woman. Instead, I will smile, shrug my shoulders, remind myself that everyone, including my judger, poops, and contently announce, “that’s just me!”

Sorry for Passing Judgment

It’s happened to just about everyone before: You wave a car past you and the driver neglects to give the appreciative hand signal, you hold open a door for complete strangers as they obliviously walk past without so much as a head nod, you stop traffic for a group of teenagers can safely cross the road only to watch them take their sweet time shuffling past, still texting on their cellphones. These things happen to me, almost on a daily basis. I can choose to react in one of two ways: I can get angry and decide they are ungrateful *******s, or I can give them the benefit of the doubt, assuming they may be having an off-day.

All too often, as human beings, we pass judgment on others before we even get a chance to think twice. As many times as we’ve been told not to judge a book by its cover, it really is instinctual to assess someone based on their looks and/or mannerisms. Upon giving someone the once over, we create stories about them in out minds: where they’re from, how they act, their values, if we are “better” than them or not.

Thoughts, albeit as powerful as they may be, are harmless unless taken to the next step. I could go in to a passionate activist rant here, but this is not what this platform is intended to be.  I strive to pass as little judgment as possible on people because, let’s face it, there are times when I hope others don’t judge me based on how I look/dress/act on first sighting- do unto others as you’d want done unto you.

I’m certain there have been days when I’ve been so blinded by something that had angered/frustrated/saddened me that I had forgotten to wave at someone kind enough to let me merge on to the highway or that I had completely overlooked the stranger who took his time to hold the door open for me to pass through- this is not the person I am (I hope).

On a majority of occasions, I’m grateful, courteous and polite but, like any other person with emotions, I have my occasional bad days interspersed with the good that effect my actions/outward moods. From this realization, I am able to take a moment before I pass judgment on others and call on another set of human abilities: compassion and empathy.

At the end of it all, I am the only person that really suffers from passing judgment on these people that may never appear in my life again. I can be angry/annoyed/disgusted by someone’s behavior, or I can take a deep breath, smile, and assume that the “jerk” that just flew by without so much as a “thank you” had just stepped in a big ol’ pile of dog poop just after getting his fancy new shoes shined.